i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
So vagazzling was a success
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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