he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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