I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
