dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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