i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
