I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
