I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
