So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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