I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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