i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
