you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
