I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
