Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
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