I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
