I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
