Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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