That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Randomize
