JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
