Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
