i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
