I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
The police scanner is talking about you again....
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
