dude i'm inner monologue high
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
