I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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