i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
sick fucks of a feather flock together
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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