I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
