She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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