the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
