Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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