apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
