i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
