just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
