I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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