The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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