no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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