and she was petting her beer can
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
