i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
