Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
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