you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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