so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
He said i was a degenerate twofaced catholic slut and a grade a bitch. Quite complimentary really. i guess i shouldn't insult the red wings
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
