Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
