Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
