my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
