I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
