I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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