My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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