I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
only you would photoshop your dick
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
