So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
