i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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