In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
