Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
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