I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
